Deposition
Charlie Sheen
[Excerpt from deposition taken on March 11th, 2011]
Q: What is your current address?
A: 253 Memory Lane and I’ve got alzheimer’s. Irony right.
Q: We need your real address Mr. Sheen.
A: Lighten up. 1845 Olivera Dr. Agoura Hills, CA 91301
Q: Mr. Sheen this is a deposition and it is under oath. This is highly important especially if you want to keep your children. How would you describe your relationship with your children?
A: Stellar, phenomenal, intergalactic. We couldn’t be more right for each other. Sometimes I look at them and I think to myself, Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, if you didn’t have kids think of where you could be, you know.
Q: So are you saying if you never had kids you would be better off?
A: Don’t twist words. You twist words you make the devil happy. The twisting of a word is the torturing of a word you know. Then they resent you. Then how can you win. You can’t.
Q: So do you or do you not think that your children are a hindrance?
A: All children are hindrances. How could they not be? Does that mean I don’t love them?
Q: Do you believe that all children need is love?
A: Yes. All we need is love.
Q: Are you implying that you are a child Mr. Sheen?
A: We all have children within our heart. Mine just happens to be a 45 year old booger.
Q: Who do you live with?
A: I live with my kids, a dog named Samuel, a ferret named Jamal, a bunch of fish in an aquarium all named Pickle, and we have an iguana we haven’t named yet but it’s a coin toss between Carol, Margaret, Elizabeth, Mary, and Pete. We really aren’t sure whether it’s male or female yet. Or yeah and “the Goddesses”.
Q: Who are “the Goddesses”?
A: They are my live in sweethearts so to speak. Girlfriends you know.
Q: How do your children feel about your relationship with the women that live with you?
A: Well how do you think they feel. I’ve got two boys. Do the math. Math much?
Q: How often do you show intimacy with these women when your children are present?
A: Part of being a father is showing your boys how they should act. Lead by example they say. Lead by example. If I have a need I fill it and most of the time the need is women. There is a pun in there somewhere. I expect the kids to do the same honestly. I’ve got big plans for my kids and my women, big ones. Big Kahunas ready to be surfed.
Q: What is your relationship to these women that live with you?
A: Mostly business. Joke. Joke. Joke. I kid. They are to me what Adam was to Eve. Reverse that. And at the same time they are to me what Oompa Loompas were to Willy Wonka. But sometimes I’m the Loompa. I think we can all agree. Are we clear on that?
Q: Not at all. So sometimes they are a benefit and sometimes they are a burden?
A: We are all burdened. We’ve got our own demons and I don’t purport to know that. I purport to live that. Write that down. That’s good. Look at my skin. Life’s harsh winds have weathered it. Weathered it deeply. Thompson's would have helped.
Q: Just so you know Mr. Sheen, everything is being written down. This is a deposition. Do you think your children would be better off with your ex-wife?
A: I’ll make an analogy. It’s like I’m drinking the tiger blood. But then someone comes along and says, “ Look at this, cheetah blood. Fast, strong.” Duh, no brainer. I take it. I drink it up. Then I look back and you’re still on the tiger blood. Now who’s winning.
Q: How much time do you spend with your children each day on average?
A: Good question. Therein lies the answer.
Q: You haven’t answered the question, how much time do you spend with your children each day on average?
A: Sometimes I just sit in the room with them and I stare. I stare at them for hours until one of them breaks and this teaches them something I think. It teaches them that no matter what they do in life they cannot live up to the accomplishments of all other people. And most of these other people are Charlie Sheen.
Q: What would you say the most important thing in the world to you is?
A: Winning. Scoreboard tells me what I need to know and the one in my room says, Charlie-1, the world-zip. And on the megatron there is a picture of me clipping my toenails. I’m transcending humility.
Q: Other than winning what is the most important thing to you?
A: Guiding light. Best show on television. By the way why isn’t this being taped?
Q: Depositions do not have to be filmed, it is up to the attorney’s discretion.
A: Well I need people to see this. To look into my eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul and I need people to know that these windows aren’t stained brown with bull crap.
Q: Mr. Sheen, what is your income?
A: Income doesn’t matter. My outcome is awesome. Awesome is actually all I produce.
Q: It does matter Mr. Sheen, because we need to know if you can support your children. What is your income?
A: Alright I’m an actor, I’ve got coin.
Q: What do you see in store for the future for you and your children?
A: The future. Oh I see a freakin’ revolution man, a movement. This thing is grassblade style you know. Free thinking through me, the captivating exogenous force. You can’t even begin to imagine what the future is because you can’t grasp it. You pick it up and you are like, “Dude it burns, hot potato.” I pick it up, peer into it and see a world of endless light bulbs and I’m holding the switch. I flick that sucker and there you go, power to the people!
(Disclaimer: This is obviously not a real deposition excerpt and is at best a sad attempt at parody.)
(Disclaimer: This is obviously not a real deposition excerpt and is at best a sad attempt at parody.)
No comments:
Post a Comment